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Valerie is a high functioning alcoholic; a disorder which had crept up on her. She always enjoyed the occasional drink, mostly in social situations with drunken evenings few and far between. But at one point life had gotten tough. So it became a few drinks every other day. Then life got fun and she drank to celebrate. Then another turn. Now, sitting in her favorite dive bar- Small Block- she rationalized her next drink. 

“Everything is checked off the list,” she thought, proud of herself.

‘Exercised this morning at 6. Got all of my errands done. Got all of my work done. I deserve another drink. Time to relax.’ “Scott, another!” she called to the burly, raven- haired bartender.

This line of thinking had gone on for some time. It went on past Valerie waking up fuzzy more often than not. It went on past her back starting to ache. It went on past her once strong, capable figure now a pale imitation of its former self. Until one groggy morning she woke up fuzzy, yet again.  

“Damnit.” She murmured as she closed her eyes against the morning light. She pulled herself from bed and to the bathroom sink. She pulled open the vanity door and fumbled for the aspirin. As the vanity’s door swung shut she found herself face to face with a dry aspirin-crunching reflection. 

Valerie ran her fingers through her hair and held her head as she sat down at her computer desk. Conventional methods weren’t working, so she thought to try an unconventional one. Psychedelic drugs were supposed to have the power to create new pathways in a person’s brain, but Valerie didn’t want to trip alone and certainly not on whatever she could find locally. 

“No, if this is going to work I have to do it right,” continued her inner monologue. 

Hours of internet searching culminated in one word- Ayahuasca. It was a plant based psychedelic used for generations by South American cultures and healers. Brewed up in such a way as to induce enlightenment and revelation, or anxiety and panic, the idea struck her to her core. 

“That’s it. I’m going to the Amazon. I’m going to rewrite my mental pathways and I’ll come back a new person,” she declared.

A little less than a month later Valerie sat in a round, thatched hut, in a circle of fellow retreat participants and event hosts. Her heart was racing. She had gotten to know several of the other attendees before this evening’s event and they were all there for different reasons. Some kids looking to say they’d done it, older folks out to squeeze every last bit of life from their remaining years, and a couple of locals. She had lied about her own reasoning. Barely able to admit her problem to herself, admitting it to a bunch of strangers was out of the question.

~

“I need a drink.” Valerie declared to her empty room many hours later. She had bought a new bottle on her trip intending to keep it as an unopened memento of change. Instead she slugged down a shot, immediately followed by a second.

“I don’t understand… I followed all the directions, I did exactly what everyone else did… but…” 

Somehow, the Ayahuasca brew she’d imbibed had no effect on Valerie. Every other participant had significant results- some not so happy about theirs. Even the event’s hosts and administrators could not explain what had gone wrong for Valerie. Gazing upon the moon out the small, round window of her hut, she reflected. She poured another drink. It was then she noticed the bottle.

“…what?…”

The bottle was half empty. Valerie’s dismay wasn’t at how much she had drunk, but at her utter lack of inebriation. Valerie was completely sober.

“Half a bottle?!… how,” she asked as she poured the rest of the liquid down the drain. “Maybe the drug counteracts alcohol,” was all she could rationalize in the moment. 

~

“Val- you’ve had seven. Maybe it's time to kick it on home for the night,” the bartender emphatically suggested. 

“Scott- that’s the problem, I know I’ve had seven! I kept count- that’s the point! I don’t feel anything,” Valerie insisted.

“That kind of talk… Now I know you need to head home!” Scott retorted playfully.

Valerie had been home for several days. She’d let enough time pass to know with absolute certainty all the brew from her journey had cleared her system. But this was the third time she’d gone down to Small Block to test herself. She chalked a line on her living room floor and walked it, heel to toe, perfectly and effortlessly. 

“What the hell,” came an aggravated voice from inside the apartment.

Valerie banged yet again on her friend, and neighbor’s door. 

“Suzy- what sobriety tests do you know?” She blurted out to the groggy woman on the other side of the cracked open door.

“Valerie… it’s 3am… Fun night?”

“No! I’ve been down at Small Block and I feel sober as… well, whatever feels sober!”

“That’s generally what you say…”

“Okay, fair, but I’m serious! What sobriety tests do you know? I need someone to see this, to test me…”

“Good night Val,” Suzy lovingly closed the door in her friend’s face.

Valerie returned to her apartment. She pressed her back against the inside of her front door. Her mind was swimming until one wave of thought hit her like a typhoon. She dropped to her knees and waves of panic washed over her as all the color drained from her face. 

“The rest of my life- I’m going to have to face... what if I need an operation?? Will anesthesia even work?! What if I…”

Valerie’s eyes shot open. She woke drenched in cold sweat. Confusion clouding her consciousness she struggled with what was real. 

“…wait, wait, wait,” she whispered to herself. 

She rose from bed, a dark ring of sweat denoting where she’d lain. Her nervous system was unsteady. This wasn’t a hangover, those she knew how to handle. She went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She stared in the mirror rubbing her cheeks with her palms, her fingers scraping her temples. She locked eyes with herself for the first time in a very long time. 

::KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK::

“Ma’am.” A voice came from the other side of the door and continued, “If you’re ready, the rest of the group has gathered in the hut. We’re all prepared to start our ayahuasca journey.”